Geoffrey's Beloved Church - Monologue

Geoffrey is the vicar of the parish church. He is tall and thin. He is kneeling in front of the holy cross as he prays to god. It is the late evening.

This is one of my most favourite times of the day; late evening. The church is peaceful as always, and it's just me and god. I need to blow out the candles on the altar and then I can go home and see my beloved wife Susan. I really do love my job; I don't see it as a job though, more like a passion of mine. I just wish Susan would take her role a bit more seriously. Susan often asks if I believe in God and I can't bear to answer as how can she fail to see that it is an obvious answer, of course I believe in God.

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

He is sat alone at the kitchen table preparing his sermon for tomorrow's service.

Not too sure where Susan is, but she's left me my tea with a sweet note, letting me know that she's just popped to get some milk from the local shop. Susan is such a thoughtful wife, she always works around my church duties, although I do often wonder where she wonders off too, during the Tuesday afternoon bible group meetings. I don't like questioning Susan as to where she goes during these meetings but Mrs Shrubsole comments on her whereabouts every week, and I have respond with a valid excuse as to why the vicar's wife isn't stood beside the vicar handing out bibles on a Tuesday afternoon.

(Fade out)

(Fade in)

Geoffrey is stood near the font shaking people's hand as they entered the church for bible group.

As I stood welcoming fellow members of the parish into the church, I happened to glance over into the vestry, noticing Susan drinking the communion wine! I nearly fainted in horror, of witnessing my own wife, the vicars wife drinking the sacred communion wine. I knew Susan liked to have a glass of wine every now and again but the communion wine. How has this happened? How did I not notice?

My beloved Susan is an alcoholic and I did not notice.

God please forgive me.

(Fade out)

The Scenic disaster!

It was October the 15^th, my friend Ella’s birthday. Any normal person would think we were going out for a nice meal, but no, no we were going on our first ever duke of Edinburgh expedition. This is when you walk a treacherous ten kilometres a day, for two days with a nice spot of camping overnight in a field; yes a random field in the middle of nowhere.

We started off walking through scenic forests and luscious green fields. Wildlife was crawling from everywhere. Give or take an hour and the green fields, green grass and green bushes became boring. Give another five hours and any sign of human life was beyond excitement. Every hour or so we would have a ten minute break where we would literally stop in our tracks and lie on a muddy grass verge, a tree stump or a log, basically anything that wasn't the floor. We would take off our ridiculously heavy bags that were nearly as big as us, and just pray that magically we were going to arrive at a camp site.

When we were first given our bags we thought we would never fill them, but I had a struggle to keep all my stuff in. We also noticed a bright orange cover which went over the bag for if it got dark or rained. Little did we realise that those covers would become incredibly handy when we were walking up a steep hill, surrounded by more steep hills, while wind and rain was being thrown at us. No not only were our legs hurting, we were now drenched, with a pretty slim chance of drying off any time soon. After about eight hours we finally reached our camp site, this was a relief. After about half an hour we had put up our tent. When we stood back and looked at this microscopic tent that you practically had to crawl into, and were disheartened to say the least.

We woke up the next day and within an hour we were off again in search for the finish line. Sound’s so easy doesn't it? Our leader had told us to be very careful we didn't miss a specific bridle path or we would get lost.

The path that was meant to be there wasn't, so we sat and had a rethink. All we could see was a bunch of painful stinging nettles that looked like a path that would lead somewhere. We thought that we would try and get down there. Bad mistake. One girl named Hope went first and as she took one step into the squelching muddy bog and she was stuck, she desperately tried to get out but she couldn't. Eventually she managed to climb out but her shoe was still stuck, so another girl tried to get the shoe, meaning she got stuck too and it just escalated from there until about three people were stuck, shoeless. We obviously had gone wrong. We were completely lost In the middle of the Cotswolds, three people had no shoes, and we couldn't get hold of the leader because there was no phone signal. About two hours later we miraculously got hold of the leader and he said we would have to be picked up by a minibus, because we were two hours from finishing and it was already late. This silly mistake meant we had failed but luckily this was only the practice expedition.

Armstrong & Miller sketch of the WWI RAF pilots

In this sketch the writer plays with language by using repetition throughout.
Speaker 1: "but the worst thing right, the worst thing is, do you know what the worst thing is"
Speaker 2:"Yeah whats the worst thing"  
Speaker 1:"The worst thing is I thought Chalky was my main homeboy"
This repetition is humorous as it builds up suspense to what the speaker is going to say.
The sketch is interesting because they are using non-standard lexis such as slang phrases like "oh my days,well vex and shit like that". These phrases may appeal to teenagers especially as they use slang more often then the older generation and they find it more humorous.

The characters use lexis that is commonly associated with teenage girls as the characters speak very quickly and in gossipy style.This is funny because neither of the characters are female. The writer uses phonology here,  as when the characters communicate they take it in turns to speak,  with little pauses between each short sentence usually with hyperbole in.The reason why the sketch is so funny,  is the fact that it's setting is very old and in those days people would speak in proper English with absolutely no slang, but in this case the setting is still the same apart from some of the language has slang thrown in.

Analysis of Charlie Brooker's blog

This is my analysis of  Charlie Brooker's blog regarding the TV talent show: The Voice
My chosen framework to analyse is :Lexis and Semantics

In Charlie Brooker's blog he uses lexis and semantics to emphasize his hatred for the TV show and the coaches. He also uses alot of humour in his blog to attract the reader.For example he uses colloquial lexis, such as slang words like 'shit'.This may appeal to a younger audience as they would find this humorous.

Charlie Brooker also uses adjectives to describe the coaches such as Will.i.am, as he states that he has 'pulled off the incredible trick of looking precisely like an action figure'.Here Charlie Brooker is showing sarcasm. He also uses a great variety of lexis such as slang words and more complex words such as 'philanthropic' and 'deity'.This variety in lexis is used for effect on the reader.

An Introduction to me!

My life so far…

My name is Lauren Kelly. I am sixteen years old. Annoyingly, since I was little I have been very indecisive, from picking a chocolate bar, to choosing my GCSE’s and now to writing this introduction to myself. But one thing I have decided on, since I was four is that I want to become a primary school teacher when I’m older.

I literally don’t know where to start, maybe with a memory of when I went to Alton towers with my friends, for my sixteenth birthday. It was on a day where the park opened for “scare fest” their Halloween opening hours, which meant we could stay late and “ride in darkness” as the poster said. I will always remember queuing to go on one of the new roller coasters and the queue was an hour long an every time glanced behind me there was a group of adults staring at me with very strange looking eyes, little did I know they were wearing red contact lenses which I dumbly couldn't work out why, until my friend said it was part of the “scare fest” fancy dress. The funniest part for me which I found hilarious, but I just couldn't help it was when we were heading off from Alton towers, with about a 2 hour drive ahead of us, and my friend who had just been on oblivion said she felt really sick. So we pulled over and within seconds she was projectile vomiting all over the floor on a grass verge of a road. We had nothing to give her apart from a Tesco carrier bag which of course has little holes in. I for some strange reason was belly laughing hysterically while at the same time trying to help her. Within 20 minutes we were all sat in McDonald's including my friend who had just thrown up everywhere, eating are chicken burgers laughing about what had just happened.

So that was a memory that I won’t forget anytime soon.